I don't understand my life... everything has been and is a struggle. Whether its been family, jobs, money, having children, their health, marriages... everything has been a struggle.
I'm tired of it all, when do we get a break?? I'm waiting... been waiting a long time...
The look on Ean's face as he came in from the backyard after he and JC found Chip had drown in the pool, I will never get that look out of my head. The screaming as we all ran outside trying to see if we could bring Chip back. The screaming, the crying, the faces... and Reiley's not right responses to it all... it worries me what is wrong in her head... how does she not feel like other children feel.. asking the boys only a couple hours later why the were still crying.. asking why I was screaming "Chip" when he drowned, before I put her to bed.
I have not experienced death much in my life... not anyone close to me... no immediate family (grandparents already gone before or just after I was born) I have just lost pets and two now within just a couple of months.
I'm tired, I'm sick to my stomach, my head hurts, my heart aches... We are all devastated... the boys are a mess, we (John, myself, JC and Ean) all are a mess (Lexi is not here and Reiley....). How much more can our family endure? No money, cars needing repair (brakes, tags, tires) going two months behind on bills, Reiley's continued health issues, everything is falling apart... It's just too much... just way too much...
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